Are you ready for some football?!?!?

For the 10 of you that follow me that are not family or friends I need to let you in on a little secret.

My brother is a bad ass.
He plays DII football for Abilene Christian University, and they too, are bad ass. Last night they played Northwest Missouri, ranked #2 in the nation, Abilene ranks #5,and they beat them 19 - 14. What this means in my household:

Nerves.
Purple ACU t-shirt on.
Lots of cursing and then cheering.
A cold beer.
Jumping on and off the couch.
Hi-fives.
More cold beer.
Grilling.
More cursing, following by more cheering.
Excessive text messaging.
Hitting the pillow and CRASHing from all the suspense.

I love football season and I'm my brothers biggest fan. For those of you DYING to start following ACU, he's #29.

GO WILDCATS!!!

Full Circle

This morning I was getting ready in my bathroom with my little one playing on the floor. Entertainment for her consisted of pulling everything out from underneath the cabinet which includes: a box of panty liners and tampons (which then get thrown like large pieces of confetti), sunscreen, various facial masks, boxes of soap, cotton balls, lotion bottles, hairbands, and bath salt. That was the inventory list this morning. And as I sit there blow drying my hair, watching her destroy my bathroom, my mind drifts to "this time last year..."

I was fat. I was hot. I was pregnant.

I was off work at this point, as I think I left around August 16th, her due date being September 4th. I remember EVERYONE telling me to sit, relax, and just enjoy the downtime because "oh my gosh how things are going to change for you!!!" Bleh, whatever. I tried, I really did, but it's hard to relax when you are continuously trying to understand the magic behind pushing something the size of a bowling ball out of your vagina. Ughhh. I watched hours and hours of A Baby Story, Birth Day, etc...a and cringed and cried during each episode. My husband would come home from work, walk in the door and look at me as if to say, "okay I love you, but you are borderline pathetic." I would always pause my day for lunch, meet girlfriends or Dom, and enjoyed getting out for a bit, but do so vividly remember how the clock just ticked ever so slowly in the days leading up to her birth. I would lay on the couch and play out how it would all go down. Would my water break in public, we run home, sprint in the house, grab our bags, and head to the hospital like it happens on the movies? Would I be home, wake up with contractions, or would I have to be induced? I played out every scenario over and over. I ate spicy things, had sex, walked the stairs a million times, did jumping jacks, everything but drink castor oil...although if it was guaranteed I was in.

This time last year...I had 13 more days before I met my beautiful baby girl who changed my life forever. Who now, a year later, is redecorating my bathroom with feminine products.

What were you up to this time last year?

Silver linings

We've made it through the last week. The visitation was sad, the funeral was sad, but beautiful, and her burial was sad. We did our best to celebrate her life, but taken on such short notice at such a young age, it's hard to find the immediate happiness. My Aunt and Uncle have a long road ahead but they are surrounded by some amazing support. I guess there is some silver lining in all of this, and that is people. It's been humbling to see the outpour of support. Perfect strangers that heard of this tragedy stepping up and offering to clean their house, cook food for the next several weeks, take care of their ranch. The abundance of beautiful flowers that were sent for Lena was breathtaking. Everywhere you looked was another bouquet, sent from all over the country. People made photo montages, programs, wrote things in honor of Lena. The line of cars from the church to the burial was as far as you can see. Strangers pulled over on the side of the road as cars passed took their hats off, bowed their heads, put their hand up to their windows as if to say, "I'm sorry." Friends of friends showed up at the ranch for after the service to help with the serving of food, cleaning, all the little things. My immediate family has received so much support as well, text messages, emails, phone calls. So, thank you everyone for thinking of us and keeping Larry, Lisa, and Lena in your thoughts and prayers.

I have found what peace I can in all of this, and will hug my baby, and those I love, tighter every single day. A new found perspective on the choices I make and how I choose to live. I will aspire to be as radiant and loving as little Lena was.

Good night Lena, rest in peace sweet baby.

Standing still

At 3:00 today my uncle will hold his daughters hand and say goodbye. The accident was so terrible that they won't let him see her in full, but they are letting him hold her hand. His final moments, with his daughter...to talk, to cry, to cherish.

Time will stand still.

But time doesn't stand still does it? It goes, it's constant and it keeps going. Just like life. I remember when Brooklyn first came home from the hospital and I had to take her to the pediatrician. We were fortunate to have a doctor that was literally 2 minutes from our house but I was TERRIFIED. I wanted police to block off the road as I passed through, stopping traffic and waving us along. But, they didn't. Everything was moving around me, life was going on.

I imagine that is how my Aunt and Uncle feel, frozen. Still. Timeless. Looking around and seeing people continue their lives, enjoying themselves, eating, drinking, talking, laughing, LIVING. I would think you would want to scream at them to stop. Lena is dead and we need to all stop. But you don't.

Time will stand still today at 3:00. Tonight at 6:00, and tomorrow morning at 10:00 a.m., when we bury her in the ground, next to my grandfather.

Death.

My baby cousin, Lena, died today. This morning. Left her house full of life and isn't coming home. She was killed in a car accident, her mom was driving, and we are forever changed.

No one can prepare you for these phone calls, but they are, what every person dreads. She was 4 years old. New to this world. Just getting started on her own journey. She was beautiful, full of life, and I have wonderful memories of her tromping around in her red cowboy boots.

I was 10 minutes away from leaving my house to get my hair done. Getting ready for that new job, and mom called me to break the news. My dad is a mess. We are all a mess. I know that these things happen all the time, but when they happen so close to home it is hard to process. I go up, I go down. I cry. I'm fine. I cry again. I think of her funeral, her tiny coffin, I cry more. When old people die you understand it more, you accept it. I can't accept this. Not yet. It hits me hard now having Brooklyn. I had to take her into daycare for a couple of hours because looking at her was hard. You would think it would be the opposite but in the very moments of knowing Lena was gone it wasn't. Brooklyn wanted me to read 'No more monkeys jumping on the bed...' and all I could do was think of Lisa reading that to her baby girl.

I'll hug her tightly tonight though, more than ever.

I know we never know why these things happen, they just do. Eventually we will move on from it but in these very moments nothing else matters but remembering Lena and being there for my family. I dread the next few days...

Dearest Lena, you were a beautiful girl, we will remember you forever, and love you always.

Winds of change (part II)

A couple of weeks ago I posted about how I could just feel some change on our horizon. Turns out, I was RIGHT.

I GOT A NEW M***** F****** JOB!!!

I have honestly been looking for awhile, but you know these things take time. Oh, and in case no one told you, the market sucks. Oh, and Michael Jackson died.

I start my new opportunity Wednesday and I am really looking forward to it. I can't post too much about it because the Senior HR guru, Kim, is following this blog.

Hi Kim! ;)

And, last post I highlighted a change in my little one that helped keep it all in perspective as at the time everything was a bit overwhelming. Update - she's taking up to 10 - 15 steps now.

As if that wasn't enough change for yer mama girl is starting to dance.

"Shake your moneymaker..."

All the single ladies (and gents) ...

with kids. Props. Seriously. PROPS to you.

Dom caught a 6:00 a.m. flight on sunday to NYC. He's crazy like that, the 6:00 a.m. flights. He thinks that is when you have your best shot at making it to your destination on time. He's right. Last year when I was prego with B and we flew there I whined about booking a later flight. So, because I was prego and ruled the house at the time we did, and we got to shop at the Houston airport for oh, about 8 hours. No argument on that one. Honey, you were RIGHT. (OMG I said it outloud!)

So it's been the stinker and I since Sunday and it's been awesome. I love spending 1:1 time with her, watching her grow, discover, and express herself. She is literally changing by the moment. I have learned this week that she loves to dance, sways back and forth and bounces to music. So f'ing cute! She also now can understand me when I ask her to go get another book from her toy bin. She waddles over there, peruses the options, makes a selection, and walks towards me holding the book in front of her, and she's proud. I'm proud.

She also eats a lot, and is messy. Messy = more cleaning. She hasn't slept great this week due to a cough so we're tired. Oh, then the diapers, and bath time, getting ready for school, playtime, climbing on our treadmill, and getting into everything she shouldn't be. It's constant.


Do not misinterpret that in the sense that I don't want to be doing it, it's just so nice to have a teammate, and my husband is a great teammate. I am ready for him to be home so I can sit my ass down when its his turn. Not to mention I have concluded that while I like some alone time, I LOVE his presence, our conversation, and his head next to mine every night.

So, to all you single parents out there, you are ROCKSTARS and my new HEROES.

Come home "DA-DA!"

Fork.

Fork in the road...

In life.

Many times the path we find ourselves on is almost forced. It is just the way it was supposed to be. Reflecting back I can't say I have been standing at the decision making point and been more indecisive than I am now.

Life 'fork' I am facing now:

To have another kid, or to stay with an only child? (I do realize all things that need to align between now and 9 or so months). But, do we try?

What Brooklyn has brought to my life is something that I have only heard others describe but never felt, until now. Crazy amounts of pride, happiness, excitement, laughs, tears, fear, anxiety, responsibility...list goes on and on. I often say she is the best thing I have done with my life so far. I love that little face.

Rewind pre-Brooklyn and Dom and I were, and still very much are, ACTIVE. We love to travel, eat at new restaurants, meet friends for drinks, catch movies, have BBQ's, just LIVE. Even now we are both very good about giving each other the time to ourselves, with friends, being social, and then bringing Brooklyn along where we can. This past weekend we survived a CRAZY beach trip with the most amazing, CRAZY friends. We managed to be adults and parents all in one weekend. I love it. I love being surrounded by our friends and family, often, and I love to get Brooklyn out there. Girl already has a passport. Awesome.

I also have a career. I work, and I like it. I thrive at being good at what I do, and while I sometimes don't always love the schedule it's what I do. I struggle though with the thought of someone else watching my baby 40+ hours a week but I know I am her MOTHER. And, I work to give her the things I want to give her. To teach her things, take her places, provide for her.

I realize some people don't even get to make this choice, so in recognizing that I can say that I am very grateful.

But how much does one more kiddo change things?

What I can't seem to wrap my head around is Brooklyn being alone through her childhood. No brother or sister to run down the stairs Christmas morning screaming "SANTA CAME!!!" Taking vacations, no one to snuggle in bed next to her full of excitement for the journies ahead. No one to call and bitch about mom and dad to. I have two brothers and we are extremely close, they mean everything to me. No one to compete with her, no one for her to protect and be big sister to, it all just seems so lonely. But, that being said too I know plenty of people that have one child and they are doing just fine.

We're at that fork in the road. I know that I'll make the right choice, or as most things in life, with faith it will get made for me. Definitely looking for a sign...

T-R-O-U-B-L-E.

This is one of my best friends, KQ:
She is, to me, the total package of a friend. She's beautiful, smart, hilarious, LOUD, not afraid to get in your face, will stab a bitch if she needs to, all around awesome girl. We've done smart things together, like running big accounts at our previous job. We've done stupid things together, like her teaching me to drive a stick shift in my neighborhood AFTER happy hour. Yes, stupid. We've done everything in between.

These are our daughters:

We know what we are capable of, but we have no idea what these two have in store for us.

At least we know we will be there to pour the other another glass of that mama vodka juice.

"Oink, oink"

Bad mom moment #(whose counting anyway). Dressed my daughter in a onesie we got at my baby shower. You know the one you DEFINITELY didn't register for, but someone thought it was cute anyway. I have a sense of style, and if we are going anywhere with Brooklyn I make sure she does too. But, around the house, eh, who cares.

She cares.
If you look closely the front has a pig on it, and the back - THE BACK! - it has a tail and says 'oink, oink.'

Ahahahaha.

Traumatic.

And now, looking back, I suppose I would have cried my ass off too. Putting any female in ANYTHING that has 'oink, oink' on your ASS is a straight ticket to see a shrink.

Sorry binker, won't happen again! ;)