Hug your babies.

It's been one year since my sweet baby cousin was taken from this earth at just 3 years old.

Gone, in an instant.

Since that day, that phone call, that funeral I have thought of her at least once every single day. She is a constant reminder to me that life is short, it's precious, and it needs to be LIVED. I find myself getting frustrated with my almost 2 year old who is rolling around in the aisle at Target, SCREAMING, because she wanted two big girl backpacks instead of one. Or, my 9 week old who still has no real schedule to speak of because the kid eats and eats and eats and my control freak type A personality is getting thrown a curve ball. Before I even have the chance to truly lose my patience my mind always goes to my Aunt and Uncle who would give anything in the world to have these 'frustrations'. They don't have them anymore, just toys on a shelf, little red boots, and books that don't get read.

It's important that we hug our babies every single day. We will be tired, overwhelmed, and in need of an adult beverage now and then but we have been given a life that is blessed beyond measure.

Live it. Love it. Cherish it.

Thank you Lena for reminding me every day to do just that. We miss you.

Not a day goes by.

I think of my baby cousin often. Daily, really. She was taken from this life way too soon, I'm convinced of that, and although I do believe everything happens for a reason I can't help feel so much emotion surrounding her death. I know it has a lot to do with the fact she was just 3 years old and died so tragically. So helplessly, in an instant. I think of my Aunt and Uncle, struggling to just survive as each morning they wake up fighting a war, alone.

Having my child makes this situation all the more real to me, as it did when she first died. I couldn't stop comparing it to what I would do if anything ever happened to my sweet baby girl, who I live for, who is changing every day - talking, comprehending, suprising us at every turn with something new. She makes us laugh, pushes us to the limits, and makes memories for us that we could have never predicted.

I hear and read stories about people that neglect their children. The woman in Houston who starved her child, she died at 8 years old weighing all of 15 lbs. The father that forced his 4 year old daughter's head into a kitchen sink full of water 3, 4, 5 times because she wouldn't recite her ABC's. These two stories released in the last two days, I'm sure if I went back a week I could have 5 more just like that of individuals who should have never become parents in the first place and take it all for granted.

I work hard to maintain balance in my life, and since my cousin passed away I think I've found success in achieving it. With that comes a great sense of peace that in the distant past I struggled a great deal to find. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her, how quick life changed for everyone, and how there is nothing in life like living in the moment. My bad days are still bad, I have normal 'freak out' sessions, tears for no real reason, my husband staring at me with that blank look of WTF is happening to my wife. :) I'm sure the pregnancy elevates all of this to new levels, in fact I know it does, but I can come back down and level out better than I ever have before.

We all miss you Lena, and I don't take for granted what you have taught us in your short life of 3 years. Rest in peace always sweet girl, we miss you every day.

Success

We did this for about an hour last night. Pick up a block, stack a block, stack another block, knock it down. Clap clap, yay Brooklyn!

At one point she was concentrating so intently on stacking that she started breathing harder. Adorable.

After a long day there is nothing more peaceful than this to come home to. I often tell myself, and you, how it's important to keep things in perspective but we move at such a fast pace it's so easy for our minds to clutter with life. After my cousin passed away I thought FOR SURE I'd have a handle on it, but only two weeks later I am wrapped up with work, with being healthy, having mental arguements about working out, planning schedules, cleaning house, updating my blog!, blah blah blah. None of which is bad, but time consuming.

Then as I'm laying on our living room rug last night playing with Brooklyn it suddenly dawns on me that I'm having a moment with her. She has never been able to stack these blocks on her own, but now she can. One of her little obstacles overcome. It was awesome for both me, and Dom, to just sit back, stop thinking, and watch her grow. A memory made, a very big success.

Silver linings

We've made it through the last week. The visitation was sad, the funeral was sad, but beautiful, and her burial was sad. We did our best to celebrate her life, but taken on such short notice at such a young age, it's hard to find the immediate happiness. My Aunt and Uncle have a long road ahead but they are surrounded by some amazing support. I guess there is some silver lining in all of this, and that is people. It's been humbling to see the outpour of support. Perfect strangers that heard of this tragedy stepping up and offering to clean their house, cook food for the next several weeks, take care of their ranch. The abundance of beautiful flowers that were sent for Lena was breathtaking. Everywhere you looked was another bouquet, sent from all over the country. People made photo montages, programs, wrote things in honor of Lena. The line of cars from the church to the burial was as far as you can see. Strangers pulled over on the side of the road as cars passed took their hats off, bowed their heads, put their hand up to their windows as if to say, "I'm sorry." Friends of friends showed up at the ranch for after the service to help with the serving of food, cleaning, all the little things. My immediate family has received so much support as well, text messages, emails, phone calls. So, thank you everyone for thinking of us and keeping Larry, Lisa, and Lena in your thoughts and prayers.

I have found what peace I can in all of this, and will hug my baby, and those I love, tighter every single day. A new found perspective on the choices I make and how I choose to live. I will aspire to be as radiant and loving as little Lena was.

Good night Lena, rest in peace sweet baby.

Standing still

At 3:00 today my uncle will hold his daughters hand and say goodbye. The accident was so terrible that they won't let him see her in full, but they are letting him hold her hand. His final moments, with his daughter...to talk, to cry, to cherish.

Time will stand still.

But time doesn't stand still does it? It goes, it's constant and it keeps going. Just like life. I remember when Brooklyn first came home from the hospital and I had to take her to the pediatrician. We were fortunate to have a doctor that was literally 2 minutes from our house but I was TERRIFIED. I wanted police to block off the road as I passed through, stopping traffic and waving us along. But, they didn't. Everything was moving around me, life was going on.

I imagine that is how my Aunt and Uncle feel, frozen. Still. Timeless. Looking around and seeing people continue their lives, enjoying themselves, eating, drinking, talking, laughing, LIVING. I would think you would want to scream at them to stop. Lena is dead and we need to all stop. But you don't.

Time will stand still today at 3:00. Tonight at 6:00, and tomorrow morning at 10:00 a.m., when we bury her in the ground, next to my grandfather.

Death.

My baby cousin, Lena, died today. This morning. Left her house full of life and isn't coming home. She was killed in a car accident, her mom was driving, and we are forever changed.

No one can prepare you for these phone calls, but they are, what every person dreads. She was 4 years old. New to this world. Just getting started on her own journey. She was beautiful, full of life, and I have wonderful memories of her tromping around in her red cowboy boots.

I was 10 minutes away from leaving my house to get my hair done. Getting ready for that new job, and mom called me to break the news. My dad is a mess. We are all a mess. I know that these things happen all the time, but when they happen so close to home it is hard to process. I go up, I go down. I cry. I'm fine. I cry again. I think of her funeral, her tiny coffin, I cry more. When old people die you understand it more, you accept it. I can't accept this. Not yet. It hits me hard now having Brooklyn. I had to take her into daycare for a couple of hours because looking at her was hard. You would think it would be the opposite but in the very moments of knowing Lena was gone it wasn't. Brooklyn wanted me to read 'No more monkeys jumping on the bed...' and all I could do was think of Lisa reading that to her baby girl.

I'll hug her tightly tonight though, more than ever.

I know we never know why these things happen, they just do. Eventually we will move on from it but in these very moments nothing else matters but remembering Lena and being there for my family. I dread the next few days...

Dearest Lena, you were a beautiful girl, we will remember you forever, and love you always.